Love Letters
Q. I’m in my late 50s, currently living with a partner. We are both divorced and I have two grown children. My partner and I reunited four years ago at a reunion. He invited me to visit him on the East Coast and we’ve been basically inseparable since then. I’m now considering selling my home on the West Coast because this has been working out so well.
My question is this: When we were first together, my partner was very close with his family. We would get together monthly and share meals. Roughly two years ago, something happened and all communication stopped. He now denies ever having siblings and refuses to discuss it with me. My suspicion is there’s a family inheritance involved and I wonder if my partner has been forthcoming with his siblings. He was the executor of the will.
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I’m starting to feel complicit in a financial fiasco. What do you think is my role here? We live together and I stopped working when I moved out here. I do have my own insurance and we split some household expenses.
– Feeling Complicit
A. Everyone’s allowed secrets. He’s not required to tell you anything.
But there are consequences for not sharing.
If he doesn’t give you any information about this family conflict, you’ll continue to worry. You might become concerned that if the two of you get into a big disagreement, he’ll cut you off without discussion. That’s the big question here: Would he ever behave this way with you? And, what work is he willing to do to make things better with loved ones?
Tell him this has been plaguing you for a while now (the better part of two years, right)? Explain that you’d love to respect his privacy when possible, but it’s harder to do when you know nothing.
If he refuses to talk about it — or address how this affects you — you’ll have to decide whether you can stick around. If he shares and you don’t like what he has to say, you’ll have more decisions to make.
Whatever happens, do not contact the siblings behind his back for more information. That would be an instant deal breaker, I would think.
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As you initiate these conversations, keep the status quo. Do not sell your home. Rent it out, but don’t let it go until you know you’re comfortable.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
Personally, I couldn’t deal with it. I wouldn’t want to be all invested, selling my home, and asleep next to this person of mystery every night for the final/long haul. I’d make it clear that I want an explanation to continue the relationship. JIM501
Take it from someone whose father withheld a lot of important info from my mother throughout their marriage, as a method of control and from anger: It’s no way to live.... Long shot, could the issue be with you? For example, [is the family] prejudiced in some way? JIVEDIVA
I recently went through this with siblings and I’m not surprised. Two of them have not spoken since the funeral. The death of a parent can bring a lot of things to the surface. My guess is that there isn’t anything illegal or unethical that happened, but that people said things that can’t be taken back. But if it’s a financial issue that could impact your lives together, you should definitely find out what’s going on.... I wouldn’t sell your house just yet. DANGLEPARTICIPLE
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